It’s pay day. And every pay day my head goes blah. Pay days suck. And when I say suck I mean suck in the way that it would suck to win a hundred million dollars as your plane is crashing to the ground. They suck.
They suck because no matter how hard I try to skimp I never have enough money to cover my expenses. Frankly, that’s discouraging. Straight up discouraging. To the point that since I’m pretty much always living on credit I’m getting to a point where I’m not even giving a crap about the fact that I’m living on credit. It’s just a fact of life.
I am becoming one of those people that will never be out of death for the rest of my life. It’s scary. It stresses me out. I am already planning to work until I die, hopefully because I love it and not because I have no choice. Also, I’m getting in the habit of avoiding looking at my financial state of being because it saves me from a nervous breakdown… but that’s not good because I never know how much money I actually have (or owe.)
My paydays come twice a month – on the 30th and the 15th. For the 30th, I have no extra money because my full cheque goes to my expenses. Mortgage, insurance, lot fees… and it’s gone. Don’t think it was something I planned. No sir. Not at all. Unfortunately, due to a mess up on behalf of the bank I have my mortgage with my request for semi-monthly mortgage payments didn’t go through so I am stuck with it all coming out at the beginning of the month. Bloody hell.
So that leaves one cheque a month I technically have extra money to buy things I need like food. I have phone and electricity that comes off of that one. Dance classes for Davis which are $35 a month and I will not take her out of something she loves because Mommy can’t afford it. Instead I cut my gym membership. But that money goes fast – and then I’m left with nothing else. There is also the bill payments to my credit card and line of credit that I make both pay days… but that’s just a way of life now.
My dad thinks I must be doing something wrong. But I honestly I don’t make enough money to get ahead. Savings? HA! I’d rather put food on the table and gas in my car than worry about that. I don’t go out. We spend little money on activities. However, there’s still things that need to be done. My car needs to be fixed, I have to put on winter tires soon, and I do need to get a haircut – I keep it long so I can wait a long time between cuts.
My job is amazing. I love it. There is also opportunities for extra income but you can’t depend on that. So I do freelance writing and I audition for voice over work whenever possible – but I really wish I could be at a point where there’s money in the bank.
Baby Daddy gives us nothing. And I don’t want anything from him. Nothing except him talking to Davis and visiting her. That’s it. If he wanted to give money it would go in a bank account for her when she gets older. Right now, we get neither and that’s how it is. He is a coward in my opinion, but that’s another rant for another day.
Raising a child on a single income is hard but I’m damn determine to make it work. I refuse to be that single mom who can’t afford to take her child on vacations or go out for supper once in a while. That’s why it was so important for me to own a home. Stability. Proof that a single parent can do it. But these damn pay days take the wind right out of you.
So, I’ll do what I always do. Self-medicate with a beer at a local pub. One beer before picking up my baby girl and smoothering her with love. The love will make me feel better. The beer appeals to the rebel side in me. And I’ll continue to work 10 – 14 hours a day until I am making enough money to make ends meet with cash to spare. Defeat is not an option.