The Private First Date

oh no! someone might see us!

For the first time since being pregnant I was asked on a date. I barely know the guy, the brother of a neighbour I met once and talk to, briefly, over an hour. The date asking was all done through Facebook which is the way awkward conversations happen these days. It’s much easier to get the courage to email and then use our voices over the phone. That is far too personal. Too vulnerable in this age of constant protection.

Anyway, I was asked on the date and to be honest I was hesitant. I’ve never been one for dates with people you barely know. Too many dinners that led to too many glasses of wine because of unstimulating conversation and boredom. Some people just don’t have anything in common. Regardless of chemistry. On the urging of my friends and sister I tentatively said… sure let’s do something. He responds great but it can’t be anywhere public.


Anywhere public? Seriously anywhere public? Is this how it’s done in Single Parent Land?

He goes into many length explanations (lengthy in the digital world sense of lengthy where your msg is more than one smart phone screen, thus too much info unless it’s interesting information and this, frankly, isn’t) as to why we can’t be seen in public. Understandably, his kids. Only separated for four and a half months he doesn’t want to be “parading” someone around. Yes, “parading.” I understand you love and want to protect your kids but a very casual date isn’t “parading.” It’s dinner with a friend, an acquaintance really at this point. This is why I suggested he isn’t ready to which he responded he was and then some other stuff that was really the same as what he already said – just in different words.

you're kidding, right?

Don’t get me wrong I think it’s incredible he’s concerned about his children and they are so obviously his number one. That’s attractive. And of course I appreciate the difficulties and emotions involved with the ending of a marriage. While I’ve never been married I did date a guy for a year during the last part of his divorce so I have a perspective on this.

But here’s a newsflash for you guys (and I hope I’m not overstepping my ground here:)

If you won’t take a woman out in public for your first date, she’s going to think you just wanna get some. Either that or you don’t want anyone to know you’re dating. Both are cool for some. But not for me. Not at this point in my life. There’s more meaning to my life than before and my time is special. There are precious things that need my attention and playing hiding games just sucks my energy. If it’s not going to replenish my soul and be a fun / productive use of my time, in some way, I’m not going to give my time up.

Plus, the pressure of having a not-in-public date is suffocating. If you have nothing to talk about while out to dinner there are things to make small talk about. Could be, “look at that beautiful picture on the wall” or “lovely salad dressing.” In your not-in-public venue it’s limited. And Where is not-in-public anyway? The only thing I can think of is my home (with my child) or his home and that’s too private for me for a first time date. People get a glimpse of the way you live, find out things about you by going to your home. That’s just even more pressure.

i think i'll pass

So, yeah, I’m gonna pass on the not-in-public first dates. If that’s the way it is, let me know and maybe I’ll consider change my mind but something says I won’t. Perhaps I’m old-fashioned that way (as I am so not old-fashioned in many others) but it’s what I feel comfortable with. What’s the point of going on a date if you’re not comfortable.

Music for this article provided by Amy Winehouse.


9 thoughts on “The Private First Date

  1. It would make me think the dude was a serial killer?!?! Isn’t the whole thing with a first date with someone you DON’T know that you should go somewhere SAFE and therefore, PUBLIC? What a weirdo. Good call 🙂

    • if i didn’t meet him through very incredible people and see him with his kids i would have totally thought the same thing – he’s totally not the serial killer type. i can’t be sure but i think he’s not ready for the dating world yet – and he’s definitely worrying about his kids. but i totally agree first dates should be in public. thanks for reading:)

  2. I’d wait until he gets a divorce too.. I hate it when they say “I’ve been living in the basement for years now”.. lol..”yea right!!” If you can;t afford to get divorced you can;t afford to date me either !!! Get your ducks in a row …

  3. I agree with you Nikki! I wouldn’t feel comfortable even having the conversation about the date after he mentioned not going out in public with you. That’s too weird, a serial killer profile?

  4. You just weren’t feeling it right from the start….no spark what so ever. Maybe your head (or sister) was encouraging you to “just give it a try, you never know”, but your heart knew it was not going to happen. You are so right, don’t ever settle sister for back alley dates, you deserve so much more than that, anything less won’t do…your Prince awaits!

    Sister Mary

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