It’s one of those nights where I just can’t deal with anything toddler. My brain wants to shut down to a level of non-communication and stimulation of a thinking kind is desired. Music would be wonderful right now. Eyes closed and zone out on incredible music that I’ve never heard before. My friend Phil Weeks has a new album coming out in March so I’ve been listening to his stuff non-stop. And today Etta James and old Amy Winehouse when she was in her more jazz days. So brilliant. I would love to veg out to those and think and listen and sing.
In no way am I in the mood to sit and watch kids movies, try to play a game with a toddler who doesn’t want to follow the rules (and maybe can’t understand all of them… most likely because she won’t sit and listen long enough to figure it out,) or be climbed on. Although the climbed on hasn’t happened yet I’m surely guarenteed at some time tonight I will. Am I a horrible mother because I don’t want to do anything with my child?
Sure we went for ice cream. I thought it would be a nice treat. And she’s being absolutely sweet tonight. Very happy and entertaining herself. But I feel like I should do something more with her yet, I don’t really have the energy to do it. Mental energy. If she would sit and talk and cuddle I’d be down with that. But she’s not that old yet.
Perhaps it is simply the fact that it’s Friday, I had a busy week and I’m tired so I don’t have energy to put in. Is this a problem I have because of my lack of energy; although I do have to say my energy level has improved substaintially since my resolution to increase it. I’m sure I can increase it more. Or is it completely normal that I am not wanting to do things with Davis tonight.
I love her with all my heart, soul and mind yet could it be that I actually need some space? Some alone time not working or mothering. Some time alone with me. This would explain why Wednesday night when I stayed up till 11 because I did yoga and then writing and felt wonderful the next morning (I even read for a bit) and why Thursday night when I went to bed super early I felt like crap this morning. I had 3 whole hours of me alone time at home without Davis the night before and it must have helped my energy. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing to let your children play away form you for a while and for you to do your own thing while they are awake.
Suppose if I am doing damage I’ll find out about it later.
(note to self: having me time in the office while child still awake will result in mess of toys and too much make-up on face. be forewarned.)