The Set-Up… why I don’t meet men in bars

picking up in bars? ummmm... i don't think so...

Davis and I had an awesome Christmas in Corner Brook, Newfoundland with family and stayed at one of my most favorite places in the whole world – my cousin’s house (hereinafter known only as Cousin.) We’re really close to him, his wife and wonderful daughters so it was the icing on the Christmas holidays cupcake.

Boxing Day Cousin and his wife took me out to the bars as Cousin put it, “Time for you to hang out with some adults.” We’d been at the annual family cold plate/ card game party and we were all feeling quite good. I’d actually left the party earlier to go home and play Wii with their daughters, and Davis. Well, Davis was trying to play while we were playing and I’d hit her more than once in the head with the controller, fully engrossed in the game. She’d cry for a bit then quickly stop knowing Mommy was in for the kill so Mommy wasn’t listening and she wasn’t really hurt. I need to adopt this attitude a little more with regular bedtime.

Totally content to stay at home and just starting to work up a Just Dance sweat, Cousin came in announcing that we were going out. (He did also point out the lack in bedtime skills. “Nik, you suck at putting your kid to bed.”  Hence the reason I need the Wii competition mode attitude for bedtimes.) Hinting that perhaps I’d like to stay home, Cousin reminded me it was my idea and we were going. And yes, it was sort of my idea.

Earlier that day, Cousin had mentioned his friend wanted to meet me. His single friend looking for a lady. He showed me some YouTube videos of him playing songs and in a whim I suggested we go out. Mind you this was after a martini so this could have had something to do with it. However, 10 minutes later I told him instead of going out it would be awesome to have a Wii battle and a few drinks at the house. While it seems obsessive with the Wii it’s more about being relaxed. For me it would be more chill than going out to a bar in a small town where I don’t know anyone and I’m pretty sure I won’t love the music. Plus, I hate meeting guys in bars. It’s uncomfortable unless there’s an instant connection. Without the benefit of the good music to zone out to or dance to it sucks trying to talk to someone you have little in common with.

And this was the case with Cousin’s Friend (herein after known only as Friend) who help remind me there is a reason I don’t go to bars to try and find men.

Obviously Cousin was trying to set me up and what a doll for that. Honestly, I could do with some setting up. But I knew before we went there I wasn’t right for his friend. Both Cousin and his wife had described the guy as desperate for a wife. Ummm, I live on a different island, chances are it’s a no go for a long term relationship thing. Plus, Wife had disclosed other information about career drive and lifestyle that also made me go not for me. Not in a bad, judgmental way. In a realistic, what do I want for myself and my daughter kind of way.

However, we were there and at the second bar with a cover band playing hard rock covers of Kings of Leon and possibly Metallic, I decided to initiate some small talk. We were standing beside each other so what harm can be done?  Thus, a very logical thing came out of my mouth, “So, what do you do?”

“Well, I’m not an alcoholic, but I don’t have a wife so I’m out at the bars every night.” was his reply.

lines like that won't get you a wife...

Wow. If this is how he tries to meet his wife than I see where he’s going wrong. What wifey type of woman is going to hook up with a guy who admits he goes out every night and drinks too much? Not a very smart one.

Conversation was strained at best, music was killing me no matter how hard I tried to focus on the fact that it was awesome to be out surrounded by adults with no kids in sight. It didn’t take long before I had my fill and told Cousin and Wife I was going home. They were coming with me. All seemed good – perhaps there’s still time for some Wii action.

In the cab, Cousin suddenly stops and says he’s got to get Friend. Without thinking I whined, “No, please no.” I had to get up early for a long day of travel and didn’t want to deal with any more taxing entertaining. Cousin seemed to understand why neither Wife nor I wanted him to come and we all go home. I mean it was late. Things changed when we pulled up to the house. Cousin does an about face, tells us he’s going back out and leaves. I worried but thought nah he couldn’t possibly be going back out to get Friend.

He did go back out to get Friend.

Half an hour later, Friend was sitting on the sofa beside me while Cousin was passing out on the other side of him (one shot too many) when all of a sudden a lightening storm of reasons why 30 somethings who spend all their time drinking in bars are not for me hit.

Friend, about Cousin’s wife: “Damn, look are you looking all hot over there with your titties hanging out.”

I couldn’t believe it. That’s what he said, you’re titties hanging out… about his friend’s wife.

Oh my God, did you really just say that?” came my instantaneous response, laced with laughter and tainted fully with disgust, “About your friend’s wife? Compliment her on looking good tonight, compliment her on being hot, but don’t talk to her like you’re at a strip club. Have a little tact and respect.”

Wife laughed and nodded in agreement. Cousin must have been out of it because I don’t think he’d let rude talk about his wife go if he wasn’t.

Deciding enough was enough, I stood up and said, “Long day tomorrow, I’m off to bed.” To which Mr. Casanova says:

“Do you need some company?”

Picture the execution with as much cheese as a the characters in the SNL “Dick in a Box” parody. That bad. It was so ridiculous I laughed out loud. My child is upstairs, Cousin’s kids whom I love and respect, we barely talked all night and there was no chemistry. Do you really think I’m actually going to suggest you stay over? What kind of a cheap ass ho do you think I am?

we don't approve...

“Absolutely not,” was my ice cold reply, with a little giggle and full of the underlying meaning that it is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. And God love him, Friend actually looked a little shocked. Again, if he’s so desperate to find himself a wife this behaviour is not helping.

Giggling all the way up the stairs I did indeed think to myself, this is why I don’t want to meet any men in bars. They’re just not what I’m looking for anymore.


1 thought on “The Set-Up… why I don’t meet men in bars

  1. Love it! I think its so hilarious that just because you are thirty-something and single, you are automatically “good to go” with anyone who has a penis. I know a lot of women do get lonely and could possibly be tempted by the above mentioned smooth operator, and physical attention, but please, in no way are you ever that desperate. Wish i could have seen you in action.
    I would be happily single forever, if that was my only option.

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