30 Days of Fishing… another exploration in the sea of online dating

i'm borrowing glasses to make me think smarter...

Ok. I’ve had a smarty pants idea. I’m going to try the online dating thing again.

Yes, again. After three failed attempts I am jumping in, head on with no wet suit. And I am going to commit to 30 days of it, at least.

I pledge I will not give up after a week and I will date. And when I say date I mean date in the way my grandmother used to date before she was married. I will casually meet for lunch or a drink, get to know my suitors before deciding which one I’ll invest more than a minute of my time with. Platonically, we’ll get to know each other and I am not going to limit myself to the first man who asks me out. This time I’ll use the hook and release technique until I sink Mr. Perfect.

Back in my grandmother’s days, you didn’t stick to one guy right off the bat. No way. You were totally allowed to go out with a few until it was more serious on the serious side. In high school, when I had my first boyfriend (and first love) my grandmother didn’t have any problems voicing her disapproval. “Dear, I don’t agree with your seeing only one boy. At your age you should have many boyfriends to go out with every weekend.” Putting your eggs in one basket as a teen was a definite no-no.

A first date, even a second one, shouldn’t mean you can’t go out with anyone else. If you’re simply getting to know each other, trying to figure out if you have that spark that makes this potentially more than a friendship or a total waste of time.

What’s the problem of dating more than one man at a time? You aren’t being deceitful because you’re trying more flavour in the batch. Unless of course you want to stick to one flavour because there’s this undeniable attraction that instantaneously makes you decide you don’t want to date anyone else… but then would that be considered love at first sight? Sadly, at this stage of my life I’m not sure that exists although the romantic in me longs for it to.

To be completely honest, I’ve never really dated like this before. There was a brief period of time in my late 20’s where I listened to the advice of a friend who claimed you never said no to a free dinner. After a couple of weekends of boring dinners that needed multiple cocktail beverages to endure I gave up on that notion.

So, I am embarking on this fishing journey in the world on online dating with the clear intention of luring a few inspiring catches. No chickening out allowed. I will say yes to the interesting men that ask me out and I won’t be shy away from a second date if it doesn’t go all sparks and lightning bolts the first time. And if needed, I’ll do the asking if no one is asking me. *sweat breaks out on brow*

It’s time I got back in the sea… or at least started getting out of the house for things other than playgrounds and work. It scares the crap out of me but it’s got to be done.

*bites nails*

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8 thoughts on “30 Days of Fishing… another exploration in the sea of online dating

  1. Serious breach of man-law here, but if a woman is halfway smart she will divide men into four groups and fairly quickly identify which group her blind or online date falls into: 1) Gay – Which may be ok as a friend but obviously that’s as far as it goes. 2) Married and bored – DO NOT get caught up in that game. 3) Single and loving it – Sure he’ll be up for a good time, but I promise, you’ll pay an emotional price if you go too far down that road. 4) Single and looking – That’s the group you want to focus on. So if you’re confident your date is in group 4 (trust but verify) narrow that group down to guys who are compatible with your lifestyle and see what and how much baggage he brings. By the time most people reach their 30’s and beyond, they have accumulated “stuff” some good and some bad. They have also accumulated attitudes, again some good and some bad. After you get to know him for a while, make a list of good point vs bad points. If the bad points heavily outnumber the good points, do yourself a favor and dump him. If they are about even, give it some time and see which way the scale tips and if the good points far outnumber the bad….we may have a winner! But keep in mind that any decent guy is likely doing the same thing in assessing you. But DO NOT under any circumstances sleep with him until the whole process plays out, if he’s the guy, he’ll understand and respect your decision. And most of all remember two things, safety of course and the fact that you (everyone) have special qualities that should not be deminished by or shared with just anyone…Good luck.

    • wow. that is completely brilliant ted… love the way you break the man-laws here… and especially since you’re recommending no sex until you’ve figured out all the other stuff. i’d be lying if i said i’m a little shocked that a man would say hold out on the sex. isn’t that like a 1950’s mentality? don’t men need that (insert sarcasm here) … seriously though, i think when you bring that physical intimacy into the game it’s not dating so much as going into a relationship starting territory… so, i gotta ask two things: 1) when do you think the sex should come into play 2) can you do some guest blogs for me? would love to have this one… and one on when a man thinks it’s good to say yes to the sex

      • With utmost respect Nikki, the notion that physical intamicy is relationship starting territory is strictly a female notion. Guys, even “nice guys” are usually more than happy to accommodate a willing woman they find attractive even if they don’t believe the relation is going anywhere. Sex, in the early going is perceived as an act of the woman giving something away and the man taking it. I’ve never heard of a man feeling betrayed after a one night stand while I know lot’s of women who do. Having said that, most men would agree that a woman who comes across to quickly is considered easy and not worth a long term commitment and if they don’t come across they are considered a tease. Of course that is a double standard, but that is the reality of the world we live in. I feel sorry for women today, especially young women who are subject to a constant bombardment of media pressure to wear less and do more, then if they do (especially in a small town) their name is unjustly dragged through the mud. But here’s a little hint for your gender (I’m gonna be hung, man-law). If a woman stands her ground on the sex issue, she’ll be more valuable in a man’s eyes and when it finally happens it’ll be a mutually satisfying give – give situation on which the relationship can be built.

        To answer your two questions: 1) When do I think sex should come into play? That is a difficult question, there is no one answer to fit every situation. Certainly not until the criteria in my previous comment has been met, that could take weeks or months. I’d like to say that when the time is right both parties will know and nobody feels pressured. 2) Can I do a guest blog? Hahaha, you really want to see me hung.

        Have a great day and cherish your little one.

      • ok, no i don’t want you hung. lol. but you’re comments are kinda there…

        i have to say this though.. isn’t the whole idea of the woman giving it away too soon such a 1950’s mentality? aren’t we at least a little beyond that? i know quite a few women that don’t get offended with one night stands because that’s all they were looking for as well.. and sometimes the man gets stuck in the “i thought it meant something” mentality…*side note: this is rarely appealing to the woman so male friends, resist the urge*

        that said… here’s my last question… although you said the length of time it would take to get physically intimate would depend on the situation (and if this takes months, then hopefully it’s worth the wait or damn the disappointment) which makes sense… how soon is too soon for the guy to think she’s a wanton woman who is willing to give it away that quickly? from a guy’s perspective… what are the “rules” here?

  2. Honestly on the read of Ted’s first scentence I expected to make a face or get a chuckle, but…..he pretty much nailed it.
    Ted. Any prosocutions for the Man-Law violations, I’ll happily join your defence team. Well said, brother.

  3. By all means Nikki, if a woman is out for a one night stand or short term relationship, she should go ahead and get it on. I’m certainly not going to judge her for that. But my advice was for women like you who have (correct me if I’m wrong here) indicated that they want more than that but are not sure how to go about obtaining it.

    Anyway, let me answer your question like this. If I began dating a lady that was in the beginning a blind date or someone I’d met online and at the risk of having her think I was some kind of freak in today’s world, I would not even mention sex for anywhere between 5 – 10 dates. That would accomplish two things: 1) Assuming she hadn’t given me up for a lost cause, she would know that I was not there only for a quickie, and 2) it would give her time to get her mind around where she wanted this to go. Maybe it is 1950’s mentality, but wouldn’t that be a refreshing change from guys who expect to “get a piece” just because they bought you supper or try to talk you into the sack after the second or third date?

    Then, after a nice meal or a walk on the beach and if the chemistry was right, I would quite frankly ask her how she felt about taking the next step, no pressure or guilt being laid on her. Body language is louder than words in that situation, so I would just take it from there. If, however, she raised it (and other things, lol) first then things could certainly escalate a lot faster, and no I would not think any less of her if she beat me to the punch, so to speak. It’s all about chemistry.

    The problem with a lot of women is that they meet a guy and think he is nice and then he tries to sweet talks them into bed. The woman, thinking she will lose him before she even decides if she likes him, decides to do the deed just in case. I hope I’m not coming across as gay or some kind of wacko here, I am neither…just tryin’ to be helpful.

    • you are very helpful, and i must say it is a refreshing take on things… especially in the wake of how many men there are out there who are really just fishing online for a piece as you say… thanks so much.

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