My problem is, and I’ve known this for a while, I fall in love instantly. With everyone from a friend to a love to a child to an animal. Heck, if that goat cheese salad is really good I will love that passionately from that moment on. If I was meant to love you in some way at all, then it hits me like a thunderbolt to the soul.
It’s my passionate side, full of spontaneity, that feeds this condition. The little hippie girl inside who acts on every feeling that flies by. My friends, the ones closest to me, have always praised this passion. I suppose it is part of what drew them to me and it makes me who I am, but it also makes me vulnerable to hurt. Not everyone you are meant to love in some way is someone who is actually good for you to love. These people are meant to be loved at a distance or damage is done.
Over the years I’ve learned to ween out the people who are deserving of my instantaneous love and those who are only going to abuse it (and subsequently me in the process.) It’s a fine skill to have and a hard one to hone. Never is it easy to separate the true connections from those that are merely physical or those that are merely artificial. The later are always detrimental as they’re based in fiction, never last and have a high price to pay when they crash violently and burn.
That’s not the only skill the years have taught me. Doubt and distrust have come along and it’s harder for me to innocently believe people on their word like I naively did before. The degree of my mistrust totally depends on who you are and what relationship we would have together. With a child there’s no problem with the trust thing. Both of us have that passion and instantaneous love thing so neither of us will take it from the other. Friends, plantonic, get a bit of the doubt treatment but any potential lover is getting it in full force. Yes, I admit I have trust issues when it comes to men, but you don’t go through almost four decades in life without some baggage collection.
This distrust leads to certain bouts of insanity in my mind, and I would reckon I’m not the only one who goes through this when in that getting to know someone phase. Communication is sometimes not the strongest yet as you don’t know each other’s habits or how to read their subtext. Actions aren’t always easy to read and things get misconstrued, misunderstood. My crazy comes in the form of jumping to conclusions, over analysing every little thing and forming the worst case scenario in my head. Not one to be the “needy” girl, these thoughts and doubts rarely make it to the surface where they’re defined by words. Instead, they live in my head until I’m shown differently or I’m proven right and my distrust is validated. What I’m more inclined to do lately is just give up if I feel the crazies in my head out weight the good in reality.
At this exact time in my life, my princess is the most precious thing to me, and I don’t have time for the crazies to camp out in my head. Nothing else can take up the space in my mind and if the insanity gets the better of me then it’s better to let it go and be happy building my life with her and her alone.
Part of me feels I am selling things short for myself but perhaps it’s that I’m not emotionally strong enough to deal with the uncertainty of a new relationship. For me there is no slow because I will love you instantly which means you can break my heart just a quickly. And for that I really have no time available. Heartbreak takes time and energy to heal. I’ve got neither.
A friend once told me I was better off alone. Maybe I’m realizing she’s right.
Or maybe I’m determined to self-sabotage it all … wouldn’t be the first time.