Instantaneous Love … a reflection on passion

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sssshhhhh… it’s a secret…

My problem is, and I’ve known this for a while, I fall in love instantly. With everyone from a friend to a love to a child to an animal. Heck, if that goat cheese salad is really good I will love that passionately from that moment on. If I was meant to love you in some way at all, then it hits me like a thunderbolt to the soul.

It’s my passionate side, full of spontaneity, that feeds this condition. The little hippie girl inside who acts on every feeling that flies by. My friends, the ones closest to me, have always praised this passion. I suppose it is part of what drew them to me and it makes me who I am, but it also makes me vulnerable to hurt. Not everyone you are meant to love in some way is someone who is actually good for you to love. These people are meant to be loved at a distance or damage is done.

Over the years I’ve learned to ween out the people who are deserving of my instantaneous love and those who are only going to abuse it (and subsequently me in the process.) It’s a fine skill to have and a hard one to hone. Never is it easy to separate the true connections from those that are merely physical or those that are merely artificial. The later are always detrimental as they’re based in fiction, never last and have a high price to pay when they crash violently and burn.

That’s not the only skill the years have taught me. Doubt and distrust have come along and it’s harder for me to innocently believe people on their word like I naively did before. The degree of my mistrust totally depends on who you are and what relationship we would have together. With a child there’s no problem with the trust thing. Both of us have that passion and instantaneous love thing so neither of us will take it from the other. Friends, plantonic, get a bit of the doubt treatment but any potential lover is getting it in full force. Yes, I admit I have trust issues when it comes to men, but you don’t go through almost four decades in life without some baggage collection.

This distrust leads to certain bouts of insanity in my mind, and I would reckon I’m not the only one who goes through this when in that getting to know someone phase. Communication is sometimes not the strongest yet as you don’t know each other’s habits or how to read their subtext. Actions aren’t always easy to read and things get misconstrued, misunderstood. My crazy comes in the form of jumping to conclusions, over analysing every little thing and forming the worst case scenario in my head. Not one to be the “needy” girl, these thoughts and doubts rarely make it to the surface where they’re defined by words. Instead, they live in my head until I’m shown differently or I’m proven right and my distrust is validated. What I’m more inclined to do lately is just give up if I feel the crazies in my head out weight the good in reality.

At this exact time in my life, my princess is the most precious thing to me, and I don’t have time for the crazies to camp out in my head. Nothing else can take up the space in my mind and if the insanity gets the better of me then it’s better to let it go and be happy building my life with her and her alone.

Part of me feels I am selling things short for myself but perhaps it’s that I’m not emotionally strong enough to deal with the uncertainty of a new relationship. For me there is no slow because I will love you instantly which means you can break my heart just a quickly. And for that I really have no time available. Heartbreak takes time and energy to heal. I’ve got neither.

A friend once told me I was better off alone. Maybe I’m realizing she’s right.

Or maybe I’m determined to self-sabotage it all … wouldn’t be the first time.

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9 thoughts on “Instantaneous Love … a reflection on passion

  1. I once read somewhere that loneliness was the inability to be alone with ones self. and that when one has found the ability to accept themselves as alone the find that they are no longer lonely.

  2. Wow Nikki, you’ve really got me thinking this time, you hit on three main topics here …love, trust and passion. Let me speak from my own experiences on each in no particular order.

    “Trust”… One of the most powerful and fragile words in our vocabulary. It is a gift we give freely to our parents, siblings and children, at least when we or they are young. We are sometimes forced to give it to a mechanic who has performed diagnostic work on our car, for example, or a doctor who who has done the same on our bodies. It is slowly developed with co-workers, friends, neighbors, etc. But once the gift of trust has been betrayed it is, in most cases, taken back instantly and once it is, it can never be fully restored. In some cases, such as the mechanic, broken trust is more of a nuisance or a lesson learned then anything else. But when people close to us break that trust it can be a devastating, life changing event.

    “Love” … A word we throw around much too freely to describe a favorite movie or character in a TV show. Real love (I mean the intimate kind) does not happen instantaneously. Attraction and lust do, but true and deep love comes along once or maybe twice in a lifetime, if we’re lucky. If you’ve experienced it, you know the kind I mean. The butterflies you feel in your stomach when you see that person in the morning even after you’ve been with them for years….kind of love.

    “Passion”… Like you, I have always been a passionate person but I now have what I refer to as controlled passion, not unlike athletes or musicians or actors as they perform their craft. (the ultimate cool, my friends call it) I have finally learned to focus my passion on what is really important, until recently, I had no idea what that was.

    Nikki , whatever else you do in life, do not give up on or lose your passion, it’s what keeps life interesting even when we’ve lost love and trust.

    And to your friend who suggested that you’d be better off alone, I suspect he or she doesn’t …they should try it for a couple of years before they recommend it. Take care Nikki, you’re doing a great job in the game of life, just keep plugging away at it…peace out.

    • awesome reflections as always Ted:)

      about my friend who once told me i was better alone, the situation i was in with a boyfriend who wasn’t that good to me totally made the comment 100% true. i had changed to suit this other person and she was commenting on that… which has stuck with me to this day. too often i try to conform myself to appease others, and i remember this comment as a way to keep myself strong and resolve to stay honest to myself.

      i kinda do think you can love someone instantly… maybe for only one small thing… and that can grow or distort, depending on if it’s nurtured or not. i mean, when it hits you that you love this person, it happens in a moment… even if you’ve known that person forever… just some of my thoughts.

      and i will never loose my passion, it’s engrained in my dna… my soul is outlined with it… so there is no fear i’ll lose that… although my ability to trust without fear has been very damaged over the years.

      thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.

  3. “i kinda do think you can love someone instantly… maybe for only one small thing…” – If you replace the word “love” with “like” or “respect” I would agree wholeheartedly, True love means you would die to save this person’s life or you would tell this person your deepest thoughts, fears and desires. I would do neither for someone who merely makes me laugh or speaks nicely to me or any other “small thing” …No, I’m speaking of a true, deep, unwavering, committed love where you know the other person would do the same for you. Certainly, what you are speaking of can develop into what I’m speaking of but think about it, has there ever been anyone in your life besides your daughter (or other family member) that you’ve felt that deeply about? Sadly, it is a rare occurance in life. I hope you find that kind of love someday, it is certainly not instant but everyone deserves it…Ok, I’ll shutup now.

  4. Perfectly put babe… After reading this blog, I have been pondering more about who I am, how I love, what I give, what I give up, what I want, what I need and I believe I have also come to some realizations about myself and my life. And then you both made me think just a little more even, after reading Ted’s responses and your response to him, so Thank You babe… and thank you Ted, lol. As always to me Nikki, you are amazing and wonderful and I’m soooo happy and grateful that you are the passionate and caring person you are. You are a huge rock in my world. You and Davis have such a positive and happy influence on me, my children and our life. Much love friend 🙂

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