When one goes through a dramatic event(s) and needs to check out of the world to heal so they can once again function fully in society, then one really does shut out all parts of reality. Anything that causes any stress or even the slightest of anxiety tremors in their body becomes too much to deal with. At least that is how it was with me.
That meant, when I went on medical leave for a month, I truly checked out of everything pretty much for that full month. My sole focus was two-fold: gett my panic attacks and depression under control so I would stop the fall into the abyss of loss of prosperity, total and complete unhappiness and take the best care of Davis that I could.
For a solid four weeks, I didn’t think or do anything work related. My day job, writing and freelance voice over work was ignored pretty much completely. I did try to work after the second week, a small voice job, but failed at it miserably because nothing about me wanted to work. I didn’t even really do anything at my dad’s place for a good three weeks, until I felt strong enough to deal without making myself sick. Yup, that’s the reality I was living in then.
You could say besides my health, my sole focus was to make sure my baby was happy and well taken care of. All my energy went into this because Davis is number one in my life, and let’s face it, if I’m not well I can’t take care of Davis like I want to. I also want to be well for me but there is so much more importance in making sure I also take care of my little girl.
Anyway, with my complete dismissal of anything remotely stressful or anxiety creating meant I also stopped paying any attention to my spending. I did what I wanted to with Davis when I wanted to and didn’t pay much attention to the budget in the bank. We ate out a lot because it took me awhile to get back into cooking and cleaning. Walking, beaches and camping were essentials in the healing process. A trip to see family (both immediate and not) in Toronto was another thing that was important. Feeling loved at a time when plagued with mental illness (yes, I will call it what it is) is necessary. You need to be reminded that support is there, otherwise, you go sick with paranoia at what people will think. Again, at least I do.
So I neglected my finances and I realize now that since I’m resurfacing from the murky depths of dispair, I need to open my eyes to my current financial status and current spending habits. Luckly, and with great gratitude, I acknowledge that I am in a better state finanically. I have a little money, not much but some. But I have no idea what is in the bank right at this moment and I know I have been spending too much.
Renos are starting at Dad’s so Princess D and I can move in so I need to cut spending to cover these. They are also costly expenses so I definitely need to pay attention to the bank account and the receipts. My father would be so proud to hear me say that. He never really did realize that I knew how it works, gave me stress about it. What I didn’t know how to make the income to support really following it.
Thus, I’m vowing to open my eyes to my money status and to do it I’m breaking it down to these steps:
Open Your Eyes, damn it!: I’ve got to look at my bank account, schedule meetings with the stock people, see how much money I have coming in.
Pay Attention to What You’re Spending: I’ve got to assess how much I am actually spending and how much of that is necessary, especially with the renos I need to know how much is going into this house and not waste money on other things.
Stop Buying Everything I Want: Yup, I am one of those people who try to buy things to fill the gap in my soul, as if material goods could ever fill the emptiness inside a person, or make things better. I will say I can see how people get addicted to buying. Oh what an evil beast you are, thou capitalist machine. Perhaps I will instigate my two days a week of no spending too. It’s a little more challenging to to this with renos being done.
This is my plan. I am return my sight to a path of financial freedom as I continue my journey to being a fabulous, fierce, successful single mom. But I’m not taking any of these steps tonight. Tomorrow if fine.