You Need To Have A Boyfriend… why dating scares me, again.

the love of my life

Lights were out. The room was falling into that calm, quiet space where toddlers go to sleep while mamas cuddle them, taking those last few minutes to cherish their growing babies who they spent only a few hours with that day because of work.

That’s when it happened… the conversation that made me scared to date again.

“Mama,” Princess D’s voice broke the silence as I continued to rub her back.
“Yes baby.”
“You need to call my Daddy… and tell him you have a boyfriend.” She turned her big brown eyes to stare directly in mine. I swear she was examining my face, judging my reaction.
My breathe stopped. “Who’s my boyfriend?” I asked, knowing and fearing the response at the same time.
“Blahblah,” she said with a big smile. (Obviously his name isn’t “blahblah” so obviously I’m not going to give his name.)
“Baby, Blahblah isn’t my boyfriend anymore. We’re just friends. You know that,” were my soothing words of explanation. Not soothing enough. Princess D broke out into serious sobs and real tears. “What’s wrong baby girl?”
“You need to have a boyfriend, Mama.”
“Baby girl,” I said, “I don’t need anything else but you.”

are we mad you broke our hearts?

And it’s true. I don’t need anything else or anyone else. Still, my heart sank at these words. Not because she thinks I need a boyfriend, over time she’ll learn we don’t really need a spouse to succeed in life. My heart sank because I know how attached she got to Blahblah, after six months of him being around every weekend. My heart sank because I know how much she misses him.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t too. For God’s sake, I have horrible nightmares about him betraying my trust. It’s ridiculous and I wish I could control it but I can’t. Three months after we broke off a six month relationship these dreams haunt me. Damn you subconscious!

But more troublesome than the dreams is that Princess D still wants him in our lives and that he did kind of break her heart as well as mine. And it’s made me petrified to date again.

maybe we’re just confused….

Blahblah is the only man I’ve dated since Baby Daddy. And he’s the only man who’s been in Princess D’s life in that “father-figure” role. We hiked, we canoed, we played together, he chasitized her when she wasn’t listening, and she loved it all. I know she wants that daddy figure and as much as I know she doesn’t need it because she isn’t lacking in love or security, I know deep down she wants it.

About two months after Blahblah and I broke up she told me she dreamed of us being boyfriend and girlfriend again so he could be her new daddy. It’s kills me to hear her talk like this. So I’m torn. I want to give her that daddy figure but I don’t want another man to come into her life and break her little heart again. Or mine for that matter.

*sigh* So what do I do?

Do I date in private, constantly hiding my relationships until I’m sure it’s going to be that one that’s never ending? Or do I never date again so I don’t put my sweet little angel in danger of being heart broken again? When is the right time to introduce your kids to a new love? Or is it even worth it to try a relationship when you have so much at stake?

Thus, I find myself just as afraid of dating as I was before, but it’s no longer about the intimacy now it’s about the heart broken toddler that wants nothing more than for mommy to find her a daddy. Something I’m also afraid I’m never going to be able to do.

actually, we’re really happy we have each other.

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9 thoughts on “You Need To Have A Boyfriend… why dating scares me, again.

  1. Wow Nikki…you just captured in this blog post EXACTLY what I’ve been feeling for the last month 😦 Ava is missing my ex, who was in her life for 1.5 yrs (a lifetime to her at 3.5), like crazy…she asks about him at least 5 times a day and she actually cried yesterday because he’s gone out of our lives…this breaks my heart 😦 Thanks for writing this. xoxo

      • It’s extremely hard…everytime she asks about him I try to talk to her and tell her that we’re not together anymore and that I’m her mommy AND daddy…I have no idea how to explain it to her correctly…I don’t think there is a “correct” way to go about it…and yes it hurts 😦

  2. Nikki,

    I’m not sure I’m qualified to answer this question as I’m not a single parent. Though I’d like to offer up my thoughts and perspectives on the situation, however limited they may be.

    When I was young, my parents divorced. Now mind you, I wasn’t as young as D is and my father was in my life, albeit in a different province. My mom found a new partner rather quickly who became somewhat a father figure to me. But that aside, my dad, who I visited regularly for lengthy periods of time, was very cautious about who he introduced me to. I think in a seven year period, I met only one person, the woman he eventually married. His perspective was that he wanted to show me “stability” and be sure that I only met “the one.” Now mind you he had it easier, in that he could date openly when I wasn’t visiting him.

    I think it may be best to date in “private” for a while and not introduce a beau to D until you feel he is a keeper. If he is the right one, he’ll understand why you want to protect yourself and your daughter. I have no suggestions on how long you should wait. You’re the best one to judge based on how you feel and how you think D will manage it.

    For goodness sake, do not give up on finding love. You have to much love to give. Keep the faith, my friend.

    M

    • hey megret… thanks, as always, for your perspective. i really appreciate it.

      may i ask if you think it’s better to date in private for a while, is this because you found it hard with your mom dating more than your dad? or is it because you think princess d is younger than you were?

      and for the giving up on love thing… i really don’t feel like i’m giving up on love, when i have so much love surrounding me everyday, especially with davis… perhaps i’m giving up on the traditional “family unit” and adult conversation / intimacy πŸ™‚ who knows? one thing i know if dating, online and then in person, takes up a lot of time… A LOT… and that’s something i’ve got to figure out if i’m willing to part with too.

      *sigh* dating with a toddler to think about poses soooooo many obstacles. lol.

  3. Nikki,

    I had no problems with my parents dating others. While I may have been young (8 years old) when they divorced, I knew they were NOT a good match for each other. The challenge you and other single parents face is that it is not just you getting involved in this relationship. They hurt too if and when the relationship ends. I’ve seen it with several friends. 😦 D is young, much younger than I was. I just think that for now, dating in private may be the better way to go. But that’s just my thought. I’m sure others have differing opinions.

    And I understand the demands that on-line dating can put on a person. It’s sooooo time consuming and can be disheartening. We should commiserate off line, sometime. ha ha ha. πŸ˜‰

    • yup. we definitely should:)

      while i maybe getting ready to test those fishing waters again, i am also very hesitant about doing so with a fully open heart… dating in private will totally be the way to go… and i’ll have to keep that passionate, spontaneous side of nikki in lock down so i don’t just run away with my first feeling:)

      or i can just continue to hang out with my child. might be the course i take. we’ll have to see. lol.

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