Driving mid-afternoon on a Saturday in November the phone rings. It’s Blah Blah and he’s not in his home city but 15 minutes away from mine. *wtf?* Did I want him to bring over a coffee he asks. A funny question because the town he was in has probably the worst coffee in the world. I suspected what he really wanted was to come for a visit (this was his pattern) so I said sure and I have beer in the fridge so forget the coffee.
Unlike the other times Blah Blah wanted to see me during our very long hiatus my heart didn’t skip a beat. I was over him, had fully come to terms with the fact that we were going to be just friends and I was OK with that.
He arrived, Princess D was ecstatic (she told me he was coming to see her because he missed her so much) and I was accepting. Better to be friends with someone you got along with than to not have them in your life. It made me calmly happy.
The night went on, Princess D fell asleep in his arms after having a melt down fearing she would never see Blah Blah again, and I continued to find peace in the fact that yeah, we could just be friends. It wasn’t until much later that I realized this wasn’t what Blah Blah wanted.
No, he was there to ask me to give him another chance. In a way, it felt like he was begging me a bit. He apologized for not seeing how good it was before, for taking so long to decide, and for other things I can’t remember right now. At one point he told me he had made a grown up decision about “this” and pointed around the room, my house, my life, and my Princess D.
At first I was wary but I’m not going to lie it was the best thing I could have ever heard. There was nothing more I wanted than to have us back together. It seemed right. Sure, we’re different but so alike in other ways. I could see us complimenting each other especially if the communication thing could be improved upon.
You see, I need to talk to my lover. On a regular basis. I want to feel them miss me like I miss them. Just a bit. Not all the time texting and stuff. That’s over powering. But a call every couple of days and some engaging messages is essential. Especially when you live an hour and a half away from each other. How can you become your lover’s best friend if this doesn’t happen?
Blah Blah said he knew he needed to work on this and made me admit I needed to tell him how I’m feeling and when something bothers me more frankly instead of letting it go until it builds up. It’s true. I do. Both parties need to work at a relationship if it’s going to work.
And I thought it was. I thought this time was different because it seemed so. And then three weeks later Blah Blah stood us up. Both Princess D and I. And both of us were devastated. Not to mention I became this blubbering fool.
The short version is Toddler and I were in Halifax and would be driving through Blah Blah’s city on the way home. I made plans with Blah Blah to meet up with him there in the afternoon, side-tracking our drive, so we all could go for a hike and have supper.
I called before we left, called when we got close, called when we got there. No answer. I texted. I went to his house. Knocked on the door twice. No answer. Went back to the car and took Toddler to lunch. Toddler cried because she wanted to see Blah Blah. I tried to hide my disappointment.
Texted more before we left and called one last time. Mail box full and all my texts weren’t being read. Very strange I thought and the worry started. There had been a bit of a snow storm the night before and Blah Blah had said he might be going out.
The next hour and a half as I drove home I became more and more panicked when I didn’t hear from him. My head was going over the worst situations. My heart was racing and tears were streaming down my face. By the time I got home I was in such a state of anxiety I thought I have to calm myself and make sure the worst didn’t happen. So I called the police to make sure there were no accidents with his car.
Yes, I became that girl who called the cops to make sure everything was OK. I felt like an idiot but at least I knew things weren’t the worst.
Finally Blah Blah called 7 hours after I had called him first; 4 hours after we were supposed to meet up. He said he was sorry, that he hadn’t been feeling well and was probably napping when I was at his house. In his house napping. I asked if he forgot we were coming he said no and that he didn’t think they were important plans. He also told me he went to the mall but ended up going home quickly after getting there. I asked why he didn’t message or call me to let me know he wasn’t feeling well and we should just keep driving. He said he didn’t know why. I said we should just be friends because I can’t deal with this.
We met up a couple of nights later and I told him the same thing – we should just be friends if that’s how he is all the time. He told me he wasn’t and that was it. It was the last time we spent together. And my heart is still crushed by it. Damn it! I was fine before the “please take me back” thing and now I’m back at square one trying to get over him. Not just because he stood us up but also because he didn’t even try to prove to me he wasn’t like that. Nothing. He pretty much was like, OK if she says we should just be friends then we should. But we’re not even attempting that this time.
Now we don’t talk. In a way I feel like he left me hanging. Princess D said to me the other night, “Mama? Blah Blah is only half a nice man, right?” I didn’t answer. What can I say really? He stood her up like he did me. He hurt her feelings too.
Was I too harsh to want to just be friends because he stood us up? Did I make my decision to hastily? This was the second time for standing us up by the way. First time Princess D wasn’t expecting to see him so it was only me who was annoyed. But still, is being stood up the deal breaker? Or should it be easily forgiven?
In this case it really doesn’t matter. Things are done. It’s over. And I’m thinking I’m over this dating thing for a bit. More fish to fry in the universe at the moment and I’ll need my attention on these to move forward in my career and my life. Thank God I took advantage of my seed sowing time when I did. They may never get sowed again.