A depressing realization of why I am going deeper in debt


wish i had one of these… *sigh*

So thanks to my 5-year old reminding me I have let myself go by telling a close family friend, “My Mama’s belly looks like there is a baby growing in it but there isn’t” (more on that funny and embarrassing moment to come) I have decided I need to get out of the house to work out.

I do teach yoga part time, but thanks to a winter that has kicked me on my butt with flooding, ice storms, blizzards, electric problems, oil furnace issues, frozen wood that won’t burn in the wood stove, stuck cars and more general time consuming and energy sucking stuff, I haven’t been doing my regular practice. And I have been so exhausted we’ve been eating crap more than usual and yes, my 5-year old is right, my belly is looking more like I am 4-months preggo than fit.

Add that to my inherited teen , who is getting really into sports which is a really good thing, and you get my desire to get us a family gym membership somewhere.

Thing is – I can’t afford it.

There is never anything left over after a pay cheque so I thought I will apply for our local YMCA’s subsidy program. And in doing so, I had to put it on paper – what I am spending vs. what I am making. The exact thing I have been ignoring because I have been using my credit card so much to cover unexpected expenses, keeping oil in the tank, paying for social life for the girls like birthday presents & movies, eating out when I’m too drained to cook etc. etc. Yes, I have fallen into the “Nikki will look at it later” mentality and have been robbing Peter to pay Paul as they say, to make sure bills are paid each month and thanks to wanting to get my family fit I am forced to look it straight in the eye and well… it is depressing.

Very depressing.

I know I should be doing this more often but it’s so depressing I end up wanting to hide in my room, with baby girl curled beside me, binge watching Netflix. When I realize that after I pay my bills, pay for plowing, pay for gas to get us around town and all the other essential stuff like food, I have nothing left over it is depressing. I can’t tell my girls no, you can’t go to that party because I can’t afford a present. I just can’t do it.

But, my months of ignoring the dismal state of my financial affairs is over and I have realized again, how financially unfit my money situation is. It’s as unfit as my baby-less but looks like a baby-in-there belly. And it is time to deal with it. One of the constants in the life of an adult I suppose.

So, instead of staying depressed I am going to face it head on. Be strong and realize although this truth hurts I will take the emotion out of it and find ways to make more than I spend in a month while still giving the girls the life I want to give them.

And I will find a way to smile through it.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… and smarter… and hopefully slimmer as I cut out junk, processed food and eating out.

One can hope and should because hoping is the basis of making things better. And I believe I deserve the better end of the stick for a while *repeats to self 157 times, forces mind to believe it*


photo credit: Sunshine Mary 





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