The Men I Attract… could be the reason why I am single

will i ever find the one???

will i ever find the one???

I have had a dating epiphany. A realization that is equally depressing and frightening. And perhaps one that could be a testament to my dating maturity.

I have come to the realization that all of my life I have attracted men that fall into one of two sub-categories of not right for me.  The first are those that say they want girlfriends but really need counselors to take care of them. The second is the married/ already taken type. One is not good for your emotional health and the other is not good for your karmic health. Sadly, all of my past boyfriends have pretty much fallen into the first category which might be why I have decided staying single is much better than being attached when this is what you attract.

A good example of the first group is the soon to be divorcee, so wounded by his ex he couldn’t stop obsessing about her. And he had a right to. She is someone who did do a lot of downright mean things out of selfishness. Not a bad person but perhaps a bit narcissistic and from what I was told (over and over and over again)  things got out of balance in their relationship and things went downhill. But try as I might, I couldn’t get this guy to talk about anything but here. Sitting in his car, wearing a sexy, low cut dress, with ample cleavage and awesome boob action, I still couldn’t get him to say anything but what his ex had done wrong to him. At one point in our brief dating he actually told me he couldn’t see himself in another relationship yet he was pursuing me. Yeah, wtf?

Over the past few years, since I’ve toyed with online dating on and off, there has been a steady flow of the second group. An abundance of married men who pursue me looking for a little something on the side, the odd one mentioning it might lead to something more and some offering to give me money so they can take care of me.  Remarkably, in four years of online dating, I have only once had one of them say it was because he wasn’t getting enough at home. The majority tell me they are happily married but need more. That insatiable sex drive, ya know? *eyes roll*  Mostly, these men do not provide a picture, they are merely a talking head of words. A grey blob like head with no identity and a shared common goal. They are like the Borg from Star Trek. The Borg of married men wanting to cheat.

Not my cup of tea. Not at all.

So I have come to the conclusion that I seem to attract two type of men that really don’t do anything for me. They don’t inspire good. They don’t give me what they want to take. And they definitely aren’t going to be there to help me up when I am down or listen the way I am expected to listen to them. And now that I am a mother, I refuse to dates these types (not that I ever dated married men but I did collect a number of lost men, helping them find their way so they could be happy again then leave me drained.) I refuse to date these types because I don’t want my daughter to see me with these types, or in these bad relationships, or have a inclination to have bad relationships because that’s what she has grown up with.  Which I guess in the long run is the mature, responsible choice.

Damn. Being mature can be very lonely.

 

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16 thoughts on “The Men I Attract… could be the reason why I am single

      • It’s still wise to tread softly, people have such a strange way of being one person online and something very different in person. I’ve learned to use Skype as a way of long-distance introductions. As well as “key” questions that will dip under their radar, for the truth I seek.
        My heart goes out to you for the search your on.
        Blessings…

      • yeah, that is a good idea.. .the thing that scares me about skype is that every time i have agreed to chat with someone on there, what they want is sexy time stuff…

        but i guess try try again… eventually i will attract some different folks.

  1. Hi 🙂 Firstly, well done for looking after yourself and knowing what is good and bad for you and your family. That’s a great start but I really don’t think this means that you can’t date or that you won’t find someone out there for you. You are right that we attract certain types, but having an understanding of that is a great way to break the pattern. I was in a similar position and I had a good long think about what I was doing wrong. I read a great book (“Are you the one for me?”) and reassessed what had gone badly in the past – it really helped me understand why past relationships had failed too. Then I developed a compatibility list – a list of the *qualities* I was looking for in a partner (as opposed to factual things around height, age and hair colour) – kind / emotionally available / funny / sexy / how he’d make me feel… blablabla – at the end of the book I had about 50 things on my list and thought finding such a person was impossible.

    But the universe is a funny thing and later that same week I had an email from a man who seemed promising – I soon came to realise that he exceeded my list! So I married him, 6 months ago, 10 months after we met last year 🙂 He is the love of my life and yet, if I hadn’t made that list I might not have recognised him – he wasn’t my “type” and very different to my previous partners – and luckily he had gone through a similar thought process because I know I possess about 3 attributes that he had never dated before (height, age and hair length), he decided to let go of these things and trust, and it worked for both of us!

    So do not give up! I have blogged extensively about all of this on http://www.peppermintsea.com if you want to know more.

    Trust your instincts and good luck, Amy.

    • nice words there amy! thanks so much. and that is really cool, your list and the way it worked. it is like goal setting for relationships. i should definitely pick up that book and try this. can’t wait to read about it on your blog too!

      happily, i can report i am trusting my instincts more than in the past which is why i will continue to look for the right man as opposed to just dating them all … and i won’t give up on dating. you have inspired me to no give up:)

  2. This is compelling reading. Thank you. I used to be (different times) both of the men you classified and wish to offer a couple of ideas for you to consider. First, the “soon to be divorced” man is wounded and, because he either doesn’t know it or recognize it, seeks to heal by relating with you. He should not be attempting to begin a new relationship but, because he lacks the support he needs, does it anyway. In a way, he’s temporarily insane or at least doesn’t know any better, but he means well.
    The cheating guy wants to escape the fear and misery of his interior life by having sex. Rather than deal with the root causes of his unhappiness with the partner he cheats on, he cowardly runs away to another’s arms. He lacks courage, so he lies and cheats to maintain the unsustainable living of a double life, which not only debilitates himself but diminishes people like you who deal in good faith with fellow humans.
    I suggest that you have not “attracted” these negative forces into your life. You didn’t do anything but expect better of some men you met. They were deficient, and their dishonesty or confusion prevented you from seeing it, until you were hurt. I recognize past versions of myself in this entry and offer these thoughts in an effort to rebuild my capacity for honesty. Thank you for writing in a way which provides this opportunity.

    • wow. what you have written is amazing:) and i thank-you for being honest and forth coming.

      thank-you for showing me a different side than what i am seeing, although i do know soon to be divorced guy is hurting. that i get. but dwelling never helps us move forward to healing, and yeah i agree he shouldn’t be trying to date when he’s still so obsessed with the hurt. which i said to him.

      i am still not sure i am not attracting these things because i don’t seem to meet those who are different… but time will tell for sure.

      thanks for reading, and thanks for your inspiring comment.

  3. The “sexy time stuff” shows you who they are, and what you can expect from a relationship with them. What I’ve learned in weeding through the masses: as I share my desire for a healthy relationship, I briefly share 1 or 2 relationships that almost made it [the less details the better]. The “key” here is to lead up to the question of asking them how it was that they left their last relationship? Did they walk out without a word, was there a lot of angry words, or was it something that was agreed upon? Listen carefully to the words he chooses to use, because what he is subconsciously doing is describing to you the quality of relationship he knows how to give. I have found this line of questioning VERY helpful. And be honest to yourself as to what it is that you want out of a relationship, because whatever it is there are “many someones” to fill those shoes.
    My blessings to you…

    • Attracting the men that you are, is a subconscious connection of your hurt to their hurt. To change that requires you to first identify and recognize pain from past relationships that weren’t loved and healed [as to not drag in those preconceived ideas into the next relationship]. Then connect to that “beautiful and unique you”, that part of you that is “oh so precious”. When we step into self-empowerment, the relationships around us can do nothing and reflect that beauty!
      Blessings…

      • i completely agree with this.. and can fully understand it. perhaps i am the one who is not ready to date, until the hurt of lifetimes past have been mended.

    • thanks for the awesome words… not going to lie though, this whole dating thing still scares me.. the romantic girl inside me is dying for that white knight that sweeps me off my feet.. without all these questions to figure out the true intentions of that person. aaaaahhhhh *screams in terror, hides under bed*

      • Conscious or unconscious about these issues, life has a way of moving us forward. So march on, brave and beautiful one.
        May blessings of luck and good fortune be the bricks of your path.

  4. I have the same problem with men! Only I have a son as a child, and have to worry about what kind of role model he is to my son haha!.. However, I am happily single for the simple reason that most of the men I attract end up being total sociopaths, or cheating dooshebags. The on-line dating kind of freaks me out a bit… but alas, I have started another profile. He’ll have to be Brad Pitt at this point though, to push me out of my single life. Good read!

    • thanks for reading:)

      and it sucks that online dating can be so scary / nerve wrecking. so many people i know have had good luck with it.. but lots don’t and it takes up so much time. i have trouble believing in it anymore.

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