Lately, I have been thinking a lot about love. Feeling as if there is a chance I might be able to find it again with a partner as opposed to just having the unconditional love for Princess D and my Inherited Teen.
But it scares me completely. The idea that I might be falling in love and that I could be letting myself be vulnerable to feelings I haven’t allowed myself to entertain for years terrifies me. I can’t just let myself blindly fall into this pit of emotions and feelings like I did more than 15 years ago (which is the last time I let myself love someone.)
Lately, I wonder…
What is it like to just blindly let yourself go to the idea of being loved?
Seriously though. As an adult it is so hard for me to do this, to fall passionately and giddily into the concept of love.
Yet as a parent I shower my kid and IT with unconditional love and I see with my own eyes how much this love allows my offspring to flourish and grow, how it has allowed IT to come out of her shell, gain confidence and move beyond pains of the past to goals for a positive future. The gains from being loved is nothing short of positive, vibrant growth. Yet I can not let myself be loved. Will not allow myself to believe blindly in the power of love for me. Can not believe that love is real.
As adults we become so jilted we shut down and become jaded (at least I have) and we don’t allow love in (which sounds like a line in some cheesy pop song.) By not allowing it in we stop allowing that positive vibe that gives us confident growth. Some adults can do it. But for me and others like me it is hard. With the walls we build around us, to protect us from another heart break, it is hard to just let love in. Or feel it. Or prosper and heal by it. Or even believe it is real.
Why is it we give it to our kids because we know it will effect them positively tenfold. Yet, we can’t respect ourselves enough to let ourselves get that love and grow the same way. We have been too hurt to risk taking the chance at something we want so much that we push it away with thoughts of doubt and disbelief.
Can we blindly love as adults after being heartbroken from past lovers? Perhaps, there is no such thing after the heart has been crushed before. Perhaps it is still love without the blind faith in the romance of it all. Or maybe there is no such thing. One thing is certain – the walls we put up will never allow us (me) to find the answer.
Leading to the next question… is it worth taking the walls down to take a chance on “love?”