Every where you look there’s relationship advice for everyone, being shouted from every medium you can imagine. The internet, television talk shows, books, magazines even Buddist podcasts will sometimes broach the subject. So much of this advice stems on communication. Speaking to each other, saying what’s on your mind and and how you feel. Don’t be afraid to voice your doubts or tell your new love what is bothering you the experts, bloggers and writers tell you. The more you talk about these things the better your connection will be with your significant other. You need to communicate they say.
But then there’s the other side of this coin. The side of the “needy” partner who is always doubting. Always unsure and uncertain. Someone who needs to hear from you 24/7 and needs to be constantly told what they mean to you. Often these people are jealous and slowly they start to manipulate your time and your energy. The relationship becomes all about their needs and soon you loose yourself to them. At least this is what I have seen in the relationships of friends… and what I’ve experienced in a few of my own romantic encounters.
Thing is – where is that fine line where you can communicate what you are feeling without being needy? For fear of being seen as needy, I’ve always erred on the side on not voicing my thoughts or concerns, just going with the flow until there’s no balance in the relationship anymore. It’s just all for the other person and I’m left voiceless and drained. Even when I try to say what my head is thinking it falls on deaf ears since the boyfriend is used to me not having a real voice. Until I eventually snap out of it and sometimes snap out loud, my passionate side demanding to kick out the 50’s housewife wanna be that’s taken over my body and that is the end of things.
This has been pretty typical of the handful of real relationships I’ve had, with one going a bit too far into the world of a Law and Order SUV episode… and one a potential Criminal Minds season finale.
So I always wonder, in a healthy open relationship how do you communicate the things that are bothering you or the things you’re wondering about without being perceived as “needy”? How do you tell your lover it bothers you when you don’t hear from them when they say they were going to call? How can you express your fears that come from the place of raw scars that are still pink and healing? How can you bear your soul to the person you feel is closest to you without scaring them away because your emotions are real?
This perplexes me to no end. Yet, I’ve heard this is a thing. That we can talk about the hard things and ask the questions that keep us up at night without pushing this person you have feelings for away. And you have to say these things. When you don’t tell them what’s bothering you, that’s only going to get in the way of any communication you might have because it’s there, lingering, keeping you from truly opening up. Then the relationship is doomed anyway.
So where is that fine line of communicating but not being seen as needy? Romance novels don’t help because the needy are always the ones who win the prince. In real life, the prince might have been scarred by a needy psycho bitch who’s made him fear anyone who asks any questions. Guess I’ll stay perplexed and try tip toeing that line, hoping I’m more on the open communication side than the other.
Any thoughts? I might sound needy but I’d love to hear them.