Dear RCG… aka. the invisible boyfriend,
Blocking me on Instagram is a really weird and frankly cowardly way to “break-up” with me. I do think I deserve better than that.. especially since doing so makes it seem like one of my delusions was pretty much true, although in a much less dramatic fashion.
I am a big girl. I can deal with you telling me “this isn’t working” more than telling me you love me on a Sunday and you’ll talk to me that night to nothing until the following Thursday to find out I am blocked. That, and the fact you left me confused and hanging, hurt more than any words that could have come from your lips.
You know RCG, I never did get why you were so persistent with trying to break down my walls and get into my heart. Distance was an issue, I told you from the start I had trust issues and couldn’t believe in love or even that this could be real. But you assured me over and over it was. You took time to do that. I didn’t ask you to, or want you to at first but you encouraged me to accept it, that we were worth this.
You told me things like, “I’ve been waiting my whole life for you,” “We are perfect together,” and “You’re my girl… FOREVER.” And you didn’t need to go that far, I was happy with a little verbal “game of porn” to break up the monotony of being just a mom, a break from months, pretty much years of not playing any games of porn.
There was no need for you to tell me you couldn’t wait to meet me to show me how much you love me and how real this whole thing was. All those promises of things we were going to do were completely unnecessary, as were those phone calls that lasted hours where you made me laugh and cry with the beautiful compliments you gave me. It’s been, probably more than a decade since anyone has said those things, maybe 15 years, which is why they literally took my breath away and made tears stream down my face.
You didn’t need to work so hard to make me believe – but you did – and I’ll never understand why you would when you were so cold in your dismissal of me.
And, you know, I could focus on these things. I could be bitter and plan my revenge. But that is not me. A past me might have wanted to get you on the phone so I could scream and cry and hurl insults at you just to feel like I got to say my piece, but no… not now.
Instead, I am choosing to focus on the things you inspired in me.
You made me see my talents again and have confidence in them. You made me feel things I thought I would never feel again and you made me feel as if someone really can have these feelings for me. You did make me believe in something outside of my role of as a mom and you brought back a side of me that I thought was dead. You made me see the real me is beautiful and I shouldn’t be hiding her.
You told me to never change, to never stop being the woman I am.
You found me at a low point, one I had been in for a year (perhaps longer than that.) You didn’t know that but still you made me find my strength again – the strength to heal and move on from a series of consistent heartbreaks due to some family situations and one other cowardly lover aka Blah Blah Blah. And you inspired me to have the strength to believe and to be me.
You made me realize I did have self-worth and I am worth fighting for and that gave me the strength to start pulling myself up from the pit and move forward. Gave me the strength to put myself first once in a while and have faith in a bright, prosperous future full of love.
You did all those things during the 4 months we were “together” as you were the one that started with the boyfriend / girlfriend stuff; you were the one who stated we were a committed couple.
So this is what I am choosing to focus on. Not the hurt you instilled in me – I have cried that out over the past two days. I shall focus on all the positive you brought into my life so I can continue living the life I want and eventually getting the love I deserve. RCG, you know the real me and you made me have confidence in letting her free again. This is what I will remember and focus on, instead of adding you to the list of memories of people who have crush my heart and bruised my soul (or my face.)
But for the record, I did deserve more than that.